The idea of people serving purposes and why that's okay.

One of the most complex concepts related to human nature is managing expectations. In my opinion at least.

We place expectations on everything.

It starts as soon as we are born. As infants, we expect our families to care for us. Perhaps not directly, but on some fundamental level we expect to be cared for. On the other hand, we place similar expectations on parents. You are expected to provide what you can for your children. On a personal level, you place an expectation on yourself to go above and beyond for your children.

As we move through the phases of our lives, these expectations change both internally and externally. They CHANGE, they don't DISAPPEAR. From academics, to sport, to emotional development. Expectations are everywhere. Sometimes with justification, sometimes without.

Living as an expatriate for the past 3 years has taught me a valuable lesson about managing these expectations. A lesson I'd like to share. Or at least try to.

Before I do that, I think it is important to state that this piece of writing is focused on managing expectations on those around us.

So what was the problem?

Well, moving abroad just before the COVID-19 pandemic presented several challenges. One of which was, naturally, moving away from friends and family. It took a long time to adjust. Thankfully, we had a great bunch of people who welcomed us into their lives.

Generally, we had a lot in common with these people. We were around the same age. We had similar interests. We were all fairly open-minded (you need to be a certain level of open-minded to move abroad). We had similar habits.

Everything was great.

Until it wasn't.

Conflicts arose over time. Naturally. We all annoyed each other in some way. Small arguments. Problems. Challenges. The honeymoon phase ended.

But why?

We were as thick as thieves for a long time.

Well, my theory is that our expectations of one another grew too large.

As with any relationship, our expectations start small. Be nice. Smile. Don't interrupt one another. Listen to each other.

But what started happening was that our group of friends became everything to us to help fill voids that were created by the inability to see our friends and family from home. Some of our friends became our family, our lovers, even our enemies.

That seems okay though, right?

I don't think so.

As these relationships grow and evolve, so too do our expectations. What we expect from our families cannot be the same as what we expect from our friends. Or if these expectations change, it is vital that we communicate these changes with those involved. If we fail to communicate these expectations with the various parties, it then becomes our responsibility as to why those relationships are no longer reaching our expectations.

The solution seems pretty simple, right? Just communicate these expectations and then this piece of writing becomes obsolete.

Although that may be true, I don't think it is quite as simple as that.

An example that comes to mind is that there was a time during which my partner became everything to me. She was my wife, girlfriend, friend, lover, buddy, rival. You name it, she filled that role. And that created unfair expectations within our relationship. Simply communicating this change in expectation to her was not enough.

So there we were. Alienating our friends because they could not reach our unrealistic expectations. Arguing with each other because there was nobody else to argue with.

And so, a different approach emerged. An approach I'd like to share.

What I've learned is the skill of categorizing the people in my life. Understanding that certain people can fulfil certain roles within my life.

For some reason, I struggled with this concept and I do not believe I am alone in this struggle.

I figured out that it is okay for some of my relationships to be shallow. It's okay to have friends that I am able to simply share banter with. It's okay that to have friends that I have more of a spiritual connection with. It's okay that these friends and the roles that they play change according to where they are in their own lives, and within the context of their own journey.

With this revelation came an improvement in all of my relationships. By understanding this, I was able to manage my own expectations. By categorizing my relationships, I was able to navigate what to expect from different people.

It is also important to understand that this categorization is not static. Certain people can play different roles depending on situation. Just because someone is a 'banter mate' today, doesn't mean that they can't be something else tomorrow.

I'd like to end off with this: my inability to manage my own expectations through categorization led to me losing several friends. And it sucked. And although I believe there are various contributing factors to the friendships ending, my unmanaged expectations played a key role in the outcome.

A colleague of mine once gave me a piece of advice pertaining to prayer. He understood that I am not necessarily religious and used an analogy about eating a watermelon:

"When we eat watermelons, we eat the flesh of the fruit and spit out the seeds. If you are not religious and you are in situations where you hear anything related to religion, do not close yourself off to it. Instead, extract meaning out of the story (much like the flesh of the fruit) and discard the elements that do not resonate with you (as you would the seeds of a watermelon)."

Our relationships should be treated similarly. Everyone has strengths and characteristics which we can resonate with. Extract what you require from the relationship and forget about what you don't need. Just because you don't need those 'seeds' doesn't mean that they have no place to grow.